Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Devil's Rain

The Devil’s Rain is one of those movies which you think, you can comprehend before you see it. “Sure,” you oh foolish reader say, “I get it, William Shatner, Tom Skerritt, Ida Frickin Lupino, John Travolta, easy scientologist jokes involving his weakness for joining kooky religions, Ernest Borgnine as Old Scratch hisself. I can handle kitschy movies after all I saw Troll 2!”



Gentle reader you have no idea what awaits you when you pop The Devil’s Rain into your unsuspecting DVD player. It’s not a movie it’s a Lovecraftian Beast imprisoned on home video. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. Anton LeVay may have been an adviser on this movie but I have a sneaking suspicion that it was Abdul Alhazred that directed this thing. The movie might only take 80 minutes, but in that time it’ll sear itself into your psyche.

The movie starts with a montage from Bosch and a heavy score. This will be the most subtle thing in it. Afterwards the movie starts in proper with Shatner already carving up thick slices of ham, as he argues with his mother on a dark and stormy night, about people who we do not know. Then suddenly, out of the rain, THE DEVIL’S RAIN!!! Shatner’s now eyeless father emerges harasses Shatner and then muddles into a pile of goop after mumbling “HAIL SATAN!!” in Latin. Both Shatner and Lupino take this exceedingly well considering the circumstances, with Lupino taking it mainly as an opportunity to say “Told you so!” and Shatner not even seeming to notice that his father has seemingly had his eyes gouged out.



Anyway it turns out that all the hubbub is over a Satanic book (see kid’s reading will get you nowhere, in fact stop reading this, wait stop I’m kidding please comeback I’m so lonely) Shatner gets in some great pauses ("My Father………………………….Would Agree with me.") and then runs off to the desert to do battle with The Father Of All Lies, pausing only briefly to register that Satan has fucked up his uncle and kidnapped his Mother, once again aside from a prime Shatner “CORVIS GOD DAMN YOU!!!” he takes it all exceedingly instride.



Anyway it’s been twenty minutes and not one Borgnine sighting. This bringing the Borgnine ratio of awesomeness dangerously low. But fear not friends, He show’s up in the desert and does such ghastly supernatural acts like, making water appear from a well!……..

Well I guess I wasn’t really that impressed either. Borgnine wants the evil book, Shatner wants to not give Borgnine the evil book. They reach an impasse. Watching Borgnine and Shatner try to out act eachother is truly something to see it looks a little something like this.



So Shatner challenges Lucifer to a good ole fashioned faith off, forgetting despite his supposedly religious leanings, that theologically speaking that’s exactly what you’re NOT supposed to do if you encounter The Devil (No seriously, I don't mean to get all church lady here but Matthew 4:7) . After the predictable happens, Satan takes out Shatner with the ole Cross into a rattlesnake routine.

After that we cut abruptly to Tom Skerritt and his psychic wife. Turns out that Skerritt’s the brother of Shatner and he’s next on the menu. A seemingly stoned Skerrit ends up back out to the family spread, to argue with the most overactingest over actor in the movie (and really lets think about what that means) playing a Sheriff whose all a hooting an a hollering over how Skerritt’s an idiot to think just because his families house is wreck, and the uncle is a babbling loon now, that there’s anything to worry about.

The same non reactions occur for awhile, this seems to be the first horror film that was shot with everyone on Quaaludes (except for Borgnine whose definitely doing some Crystal Meth).

Next thing we know a shirtless sweating Shatner is chained to a table, while Borgnine rants at him and then watches as Shatner makes out with his mother and is then crucified upside down. At that point the movie promptly becomes the greatest thing ever.

Skerritt shows up a bit too late with psychic wife, whose impressive powers don’t warn her to the fact that The Devil will soon torch their car. That’s right, The Devil, using his same awesome “Water From the Well” powers just straight up pulls a Detroit. And Just when you think this has got to be the least impressive version of The Lord Of The Flies put on film… Out comes EYELESS JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!!



HOLY FUCKING SHIT EYELESS JOHN TRAVOLTA!!! Just as you’re recovering from that shock of awesome it cuts to Pilgrim Ernest Borgnine who starts speaking with a bunch of Thee’s and Thou’s! Words cannot describe the pleasure I get from Ernest Borgnine dressed as a pilgrim speaking like he’s in the Satanic version of Shakespeare in the park. The flashback reveals what the whole Feud between Borgnine and Shatner’s peeps is about. But you barely register it because. PILGRIM ERNEST BORGNINE AND EYELESS JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!

Anyway Shatner, who I keep thinking is dead by the way, shows up again, this time with extra Pentagram carved into the chest action. And all the Satanist show up to watch him sacrificed. Er. Again. Then Ernest Borgnine turns into a goat and burns William Shatner’s soul with a voodoo doll.

Then Ernest Borgnine Turns Into A Goat and burns William Shatner’s soul with a voodoo doll.



THEN ERNEST BORGNINE TURNS INTO A GOAT!!! AND BURNS WILLIAM SHATNER’S SOUL WITH A VOODOO DOLL!!!




THEN ERNEST BORGNINE TURNS INTO A GOAT!!! AND BURN’S WILLIAM SHATNER’S SOUL WITH A VOODOO DOLL!!!



Then people melt, and the movie ends, and you ascend to a higher level of consciousness. So you’ve got that going for you. All in all The Devil's Rain fucking kicks your fucking ass in a way that Christan Bale only threatened to do.

2 comments:

Emily said...

I don't think words have been invented to describe Borgnine wearing Pilgrim gear--complete with buckles and boots!--using words like 'didst thee promise thyself to Lucifer?' with a more than Uncle Sam American accent. Incredible comes close, but not near enough.

Evil Dead Junkie said...

Agreed. Borgnine feasts on the scenery and your souls!