Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The 4th Kind

I have seen the worst movie of the year and it’s The Fourth Kind. This movie is War bad, this movie is The Spirit bad. The rare movie that just won't break your spirit but take your soul as well. Universal is opening up The Fourth Kind in an obvious grab for some sweet sweet Paranormal Activity money. Well folks. The Fourth Kind ain’t Paranormal Activity. It ain’t even Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows. What it is is one of the most wretched movies I’ve ever seen in my life.

It all starts out with Milla Jovovich on a merry go round in the middle of the woods. She’s explaining to you that you are watching a movie. Things do not improve. Now like any red blooded American Male whose balls dropped around the time when The Fifth Element came out I have a good deal of affection for Milla Jovovich. She might be the last genuine B Movie queen in existence. But even she can’t bring any fun to this movie. Not even the scene involving her and the alien Dildo.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The basic concept of The Fourth Kind is your average “Sumerian Aliens Are Doing Nasty Shit In Alaska” flick (Not a typo). But the trick is that it combines “documentary” footage with reenactments from Jovovich and others including Will Patton at his drunk and surliest, Editing them together for twice the terrible. As the documentary footage is obviously faked, this means your basically getting two reenactments, which would seem pretentious and stupid if Goddard was doing it, and comes off here as something Peaches Valentine Directed.

The movie is almost singularly inept. Characters you’re supposed to know about come along as complete surprises When in the last ten minutes of the film Jovovich’s son comes in out of no where everyone acts like he’s been there all the time. At one point we even get this out of nowhere montage of a Sumerian Musuem thousands of miles away, which is lit by spooky strobe lights, and pipes in ominous music. It’s like 48 Hours decided to pull a prank.

What’s more with the film occasionally goes into the most artless split screens you’ve ever seen to show the events taking place simultaneously. It’s like someone got DePalma mad after he drank a bunch of paint thinner and he took his revenge in the editing room.

Holy Christ this movie is bad. It’s crass, stupid, artless, and exploitive. All of which can be admirable qualities but not as they are deployed here. The Fourth Kind is a truly awful film. It will become legend.


Thusly:



4 comments:

Erich Kuersten said...

Oh man, this is a shame. I was really kind of pumped about this. Are you saying it's bad bad? Like not even Uwe Boll good-bad?

Thanks for taking one for the team, as they say!

Evil Dead Junkie said...

It's definitely possible to get some camp value out of this. But it really is quite dreadful. So use your own discretion.

And anyone actually looking for a horror movie should steer clear.

Zach said...

Wow, this sounds absolutely terrible. I initially thought that this would either be really bad or somewhat decent. Looks like I won't waste my time watching this one...

robby431 said...

I didn't think it was bad actually. I liked it much more than Paranormal Activity. It had its problems, but overall I thought it was good.