Saturday, May 1, 2010

Long Week On Elm St.: Part 9: Nightmare On Elm Street


I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I gave this movie a moments free publicity not to mention over a weeks worth. I’m sorry that for one moment I thought that Platinum Dunes could perhaps produce something decent, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary. I’m sorry I defended and doubted. I’m sorry that I entertained the hope this could be worth a shit. And most of all I’m sorry to you. If I for one second got you excited or hopeful or interested in seeing a new Nightmare On Elm Street Movie. I’m sorry.

I fucked up.

This is one of those frustrating movies where all the elements are brought together for something that could be decent and nothing comes of it. Jackie Earle Haley is obviously trying here, but he has no material to work with. Wesley Strick provider of said material, can obviously write a good horror film, or for that matter a remake of a horror film that manages to be unique and interesting while still fundamentally respectful to its source. But nothing ever comes from this anemic movie. Its stuck on second gear.

I could treat this like a normal review; go into the problems and shine a light on the (very) few bright spots. The flaccid script, utterly unlikeable cast (how Nancy despite the fact that she has a delightful Sarah Vowell gurgle of a voice and is in all honesty just my type derived no sympathy for me) the utterly mind boggling leaps in logic that the story makes (some would accuse me of over analyzing but really is that the point where we’re at? Where we just genuinely don’t give a fuck about logic and craft?) but that would be raging at the cure and not the disease. Which is precisely what this movie is. It’s a fucking disease.

Look say what you will about Rob Zombie’s Halloween, but at least there’s some kind of vision there. It might be a vision you detest, but there’s an idea there. Like The Depressing Friday The 13th remake the vision all too self evident. “Lets stick this fucker on autopilot, remove all the charm, and hope these dumb fucks give us their money.”

I can’t even get rightly mad at Michael Bay and his stupid fucking Morlocks at Platinum Dunes. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and you fully deserve to think I’ll get fooled again.

But I won’t. I’m done. I’m out. I’m never giving my money to these fuckers again. And whats more, unless there’s some excellent evidence that there’s a reason to, I’m never watching a remake again. We can bitch and we can moan but the fact is, that as long as we put up the money and give them the attention. The studios have no reason to stop shoving these down our throats.

So stop doing it. Stop going. Just stop.

What a waste. What a waste of time, and talent and fans passion. What a depressing useless waste. This movie is utterly bankrupt.

12 comments:

Planet of Terror said...

So you're saying you didn't like it?

I'm going to watch, I mean get fleeced tomorrow. How shameful.

Bryce Wilson said...

Thats about the jist of it yeah. lol.

Yeah I don't begrudge anyone seeing this movie. It taught me my lesson, maybe it'll teach others.

Doing Elm Street Week and ending it with this is like spending a week making a home made valentine at school for your alkie mother, then giving it to her and listening to her wheezy terrible laugh as she rips it up, slaps you across the face and then goes back to her gin.

MacKenzie said...

I forgive you. You just saved me $11.50 that I can put towards Iron Man 2.

Bryce Wilson said...

Its as the Talmud says, "He who saves one man from watching A Nightmare On Elm Street saves the entire world from watching A Nightmare On Elm Street"

Neil Fulwood said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, Bryce. You had every reason to hold out a dim glimmer of hope, despite all the reasons you list by which you should have known better. You obviously went into this thinking (a) Jackie Earle Haley's in it, therefore we have the possibility of an interesting and genuinely sociopathic characterisation; and (b) it's got to be better than frickin' 'Freddy vs. Jason'.

Plus, sometimes it's only human to be insanely optimistic in the face of abject despair.

And, hey, you've now saved two men from watching 'A Nightmare on Elm Street'. You took one for the team, my man.

Bryce Wilson said...

Thanks for cheering me up Neil.

Its so frustrating like Mr. Burns, even when its good its bad.

For example

(SPOILERS)

It comes to the semi clever idea that Freddy is trying to keep Nancy awake so that when she does fall asleep she'll go into a coma and thus basically be his play thing for ever. That's a strong creepy idea.

But how the hell would Freddy know that? Was he as a mildly retarded gardner (as he's weirdly played in the flashbacks) going to Night School to study Neuroscience in between molesting children and keeping the grounds?

Plus if there's one thing I can't abide, its missed oppurtunity, if the film had ended with the boyfriend getting slashed as he "safely" nods off on the gurney it could have been amazing. Instead we get an ending that manages to be even more nonsensical and inconclusive then the original Nightmare's. Which takes some doing.

DemoWeasel said...

Your Elm Street Week wasn't a waste at all; I really enjoyed reading each one of your reviews!

Bryce Wilson said...

Thanks for saying so Demo.

But in all honesty I was referring to the new movie rather then my own work. lol

Joe said...

I gotta say, I didn't love it, but it was more competant that I expected. Maybe my expectations were so terribly lowered after the Friday the 13th remake/reboot, or maybe Haley's performance saved it all for me, but I thought it was a damn sight better than most of the sequels.

Beyond that, though, yeah, there was a lot of bullshit, and it falls way short of the original. The fact that the characters are almost always shown falling asleep renders any suspense of something creepy/terrifying happening, and... oh, fuck it. I'm not going to leave a novel in your comments. I'm putting up a blog now. Check it, and I'm sure there'll be Talking Time discussion.

Bryce Wilson said...

It was a good post Joe. And you're always more then welcome to leave novels on my blog.

As an aside did Haley's performance as Non burned Freddy remind anyone else of Simple Jack? I kept waiting for him to tell Nancy that "These Night Movies will make your eyes rain."

Todge said...

You poor fellow.

I did my ELm Street Long Weekend the other way round. I watched the remake and it incensed me so much that I had to go back and watch all the others. This coincided with the arrival of that new documentary Never Sleep Again though, which is a Freddy geek's wet dream.

Speaking of wet dreams, when you start cribbing lines from The Dream Master, your script is in fucking trouble.

Haley's Freddy has zero personality. This is down to two things 1. He's just a paedo now, aww thats a shame cause he was much better as a "filthy child killer". It doesn;t need to be stated, ever hear of subtext P Dunes? Didn;t think so.

2. The make up is fucking wretched. It's so taught across his face it doesnt allow for any expression, which is what Englund's Freddy was all about. Why in the hell would you try to model the make up on an actual burn victim? This Nightmare on Elm Street for fuck sakes.

Of course the problems are inumerable, and this is just one of them.

Nice to know I'm not the only one who had the nuts to sit through all nine films though! (I sat through all the extras as well).

Bryce Wilson said...

I'd say you nailed it Todge.

Hope you'll stick around.