(Remember by purchasing Son Of Danse Macabre on your Nook or Kindle you too can send me to a hell Labyrinth to be stalked by beasts. Trust me I would much rather do that than watch Hell’s Labyrinth again.)
Holy Shit. Or perhaps the phrase should be modified to Wholly Shit.
Every once in awhile you see a film that reminds you what a terrible movie actually is. I’m not just talking about a film that falls short of its goals, lacks imagination, is stiffly acted, written or directed. I’m not talking about something clichéd or that has been market tested until every lingering shred of what once may have been human creativity has been consigned to the choir invisible. I’m not talking about the bland or the forgettable. The pat or perfunctory. The already done, the forgettable the lamentable or the vanity project. After all folks those are pretty darn thick on the ground.
I’m talking about those occasional gems that sink so far below the goal of mere competence. That are so achingly inadequate on every single level that response ceases to be merely something as common as distaste and approaches a sort of awe. Like a waterfall in the midst of the forest, it reminds you of the essence of things.
This is all my roundabout way of saying HOOLLEEEE SHEEEETTT is Carnivore, or if you were unlucky enough to be duped by Redbox, Hell’s Labyrinth (which is odd given that this second title makes WAY more sense, and the generic Carnivore sounds like the generic counterpart used to bring in the rubes) is a bad movie. But not in any ordinary way, it transcends the limits of badness. This is what bad wants to be when it grows up.
Hell’s Carnivore begins with longtime friend of the Things That Don’t Suck and Actioncast mate Joe Drilling being menaced and then stomped upon by a PSone graphic, like Mario crushing a Koopa. Do not mourn for poor Joe, for he gets to leave the film early, and verily I had to stay unto the end. Give me the monster any day. After the monster has turned Joe and his party into mulch (without ever looking for one second as though he is in the same frame with them, fancy that) we cut to a woman in the woods somewhere, her car has broken down and a little old man stops to help her. But Dun Dun Duuuuhhh is intentions are not good, and after a short chase through the woods in which the footage is sped up Benny Hill Style, because I guess they thought no one would notice(?) The woman wakes up inside The SNES port of Doom.
I’m fucking serious.
It is literally impossible to exaggerate how bad this movie looks, it’s like a Screen Saver from Windows 95. Making the average Asylum production look like the work of James Cameron. It’s just another example of how the digital revolution has been as much a curse as a blessing to low budget filmmakers. Were Carnivore Labyrinth shot in an earlier time it may have merely looked shoddy. But the fully on green screen style of it makes it look like someone gouged out the eyes of the entire rendering staff and they were just doing things on instinct. As a result everyone is running through and fighting animatics. Once again, this is not an exaggeration. Where their no darkened hallways they could shoot in?
Soon the hero of the film shows up wielding a broad sword and speaking like a psychopath who was raised in isolation the lesser films of Kurt Russell and Nic Cage the only contact he was allowed with the outside world. Together they seek to uncover the dark secrets of the labyrinth and themselves, and for a nice change of pace. It’s stupid. Really stupid. The story is stupid, the writing is stupid, the acting is awful, and the effects as we have established is eye searingly bad. Truly this film has it all. From the opening scene the part where two characters have a knife fight with CGI KNIVES (Could they not find fucking knives?), that float mysteriously above their hands Hell Labyrinth Of The Carnivore is truly a wonder to behold. As a fellow once said, Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.