Sunday, October 11, 2009

THE RETURN OF 31 DAYS OF HORROR: #11 Vampire Hookers

I bet you never thought that watching people fuck could be boring could you. Well welcome to Vampire Hookers, a movie that’s almost indescribably bad, and also sort of amazing. Watching it is like staring into The Ark Of The Covenant at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Your face might melt, but damn you’ve really seen something.

Vampire Hookers follows two Sailors in the Phillipines. And when I say it follows them. I mean it really follows them. The opening of the movie plays out nearly in real time as our two seamen stumble through Manilla, trying and failing to get laid and eating various testicles (Not a misprint).

Eventually our boys in blue come across a hooker. A vampire hooker. And as the eerily catchy theme song informs us, blood is not all she sucks. She takes them back to her cemetery which nobody finds odd, where they hang out with her “sisters”, their pot bellied man child of a Renfield who I would say mugs his way through the movie but will nost so as not to give mugging a bad name, and John Carradine dressed in a White Pimp suit watching his dignity die as he quotes Walt Whitman. Again this is not a misprint. While watching John Carradine make his drinking money, in crap that’s way below his level like Billy The Kid Meet’s Dracula, has always been fun, there’s something just kind of pathetic sad rather then funny sad about this particular performance. You can practically feel the DT’s he had between takes, and all you can think is, “Jesus man this guy used to work for John Ford. He was in fucking Stagecoach for the love of God.”

The sailors first escape and then return to the clutches of the Vampire hookers for reasons best not thought about very much. After a long time (A Loooooooonnnnnngggg) time one of the sailors and the three Vampire Hookers start fucking. And after what seems like an even longer time, they stop. Seriously, your eyes will glaze as our fearless sailor goes about the fourway, and cut aways to the pictures on the wall add a subjective hour to the scene. The scene seems to go on forever, fifteen minutes pass outside the room where the film is playing, but those caught in it’s web spend hours and hours trapped in it’s merciless softcore fucking.

Finally the sex scene and the movie have mercy upon us and ends. But not before we get some weird comic routines and a few plot “twists”. Vampire Hookers is... well funs not the right word. Even Carradine’s soul lacerating feeble performance is funny though not funny “haha”. The line between Kitsch and Masochism is often thin and never more so here.

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