The Return Of 31 Days Of Horror: # 29 Halloween H20zzzzzzzz

When most people point towards Halloween sequels that aren't wretched, they point to Halloween H20. And while it might not be the series killing, "you must see it to believe it" debacle that was Halloween Resurecction, Halloween H20 is still not very good.

The film gets points for bringing Jamie Lee Curtis back, and look I love Jamie Lee, you love Jamie Lee, we all love Jamie Lee, but it's no fun watching her basically play queen of the harpys. Which she is forced to do, showing none of the backbone that made Laurie Strode such an appealing character to begin with.

And yes, I know she's suffering from post traumatic Shape related stress, I get it, but dear God. Stephen Miner who I should note directed two of my favorite slasher movies of all time, gives things a particularly leaden pace this time out. H20 plays like a Halloween movie on Qualuddes, moving as slowly as Myer's himself.


The rest of the cast is a bunch of Scream money chasers. And LL Cool J, who really kind of sums up the "You know, for the kids." mentality that would eventually end with the franchise beaten and bloody at the fists of Busta Rhymes. Here's the sum total of LL Cool J's roll in the movie.

1. Thirty minutes of bad puns, and him being frightened.
2. He gets shot in the face.
3. He somehow lives.

It's somewhere beyond superfluous sailing into borders of inanity heretofore unknown by the mortal man.

Things do take a turn for the better when Jamie Lee finally nuts up and shuts up and gives Michael the axing he so richly deserves. But by then it's too little too late. If you're looking for a great modern day slasher you should look elsewhere.

The RETURN OF 31 DAYS OF HORROR: #6 Halloween III

Halloween III: Season Of The Witch AKA Halloween III: Hey Where The Fuck Is Michael Myers? The dynamic duo of Hill and Carpenter, decided to try and branch out and turn Halloween into an anthology series. It’s just too bad that they didn’t do it with a movie that was actually, you know, good. Now in theory I actually really like this idea. A cool way to get a new slice of Halloween themed horror every year, sign me up. However, in theory communism works too, in practice though you get Stalin.

Which isn’t to say that Halloween III is as bad as Stalin, no it’s actually worse.

The movie has gained a minor cult following thanks to its odd man out reputation, but I still find it to be borderline unwatchable. It’s a dull, profoundly stupid movie with one of the worst heroes of all time that barely works as kitsch. OK in all fairness there are some moments that work pretty damn well as kitsch. The plot which sails past convoluted and into the realm of performance art, involves a drunken wife cheatin doctor who must stop the evil conspiracy of a costume company that’s run by robotic druids who are planning to kill the world’s children with evil Halloween masks, which contain pieces of an evil space rock, and a damn catchy commericial.

I swear to Christ that I didn’t just make that up, or imagine it in a peyote fueled nightmare. That’s the plot. The actual plot of Halloween 3. Someone took that idea to John Carpenter and he thought it was a good one. He then took this idea to people. People with money and they also thought that it was a good enough idea to invest money in. I… I… The mind boggles. But did you notice the really strange thing in that garbled half sane batch of mad libs plotting. No Witches! Hey I know. There’s Robo Druids but not Witches.

Now look I enjoy the sight of little children in pain as much as the next guy. But the fetishtic detail that the movie devotes to their writhing little bodies crosses the line from creepy to "Wait what the fuck?"



There are few people who are as intrinsically fun to watch as Tom Atkins, but his character is too much of a stupid dick for even him to be enjoyable. Let’s examine the ending for a moment. Atkins is in a gas station arguing with the Television station trying to get them to not run the evil ads. A group of kids come in and start flicking through the channels, trying to find the silver shamrock ad which will make snakes explode from their heads. Oh by the way Atkins knows they'll do this.

So what does Atkins do? Does he warn them. Tell them to stop? Turn off the TV? Tell them to take the fucking masks off? NO! HE SITS THERE AND WATCHES TO SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!



Now in the truth in criticism department, it’s worth noting that this movie did spawn the theme song I’ve been using for the past two years as the logo for this very event, and the fact that I’ve talked about a metric ton of shit about it, might come off as hypocritical, and just plain weird. But come on listen to that thing tell me it’s not gold I dare you!


Anyway I’m not going to show any mercy just because this blind one legged squirrel actually did find a nut.

Anyway if you want to watch the guy from Night Of The Creeps fight robo druids, to keep childrens heads from melting… Wait Goddamn I’m making the movie sound awesome again.

Halloween III it sucks you’ve got to believe me.